SuperPilots.com

Tower: "Airline XXX, it looks like one of your baggage doors is open."
Captain (after quickly scanning the FE panel): "Ah, thanks tower, but you
must be looking at our APU door."
Tower: "Okay, Airline XXX, cleared for takeoff."
Captain: "Cleared for takeoff, Airline XXX."
Tower, during the takeoff roll: "Airline XXX, ahh ... it appears that your APU
is leaking luggage..."
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot.
They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to
get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some
amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange
between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign
"Speedbird 206") after landing:

Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the
active runway."

Ground: "Guten morgen! You will taxi to your gate!"

The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a
stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate location
now."

Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, you have never
flown to Frankfurt before?!?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, I have, in 1944. In another type of Boeing...
but I didn't stop."

Lufthansa (In German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (In English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."

Lufthansa (In English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Beautiful English Accent (before ground could answer): "Because you lost
the bloody war!"

More from our "Don't get wise with us" file:

A United Airlines 747 captain tries to make light banter with Sydney,
Australia, Approach Control ...

Captain: "Good morning, Sydney, this is United XXX, we're 50 miles out and
have your island in sight ..."

Approach: "Roger, United ... you're cleared to circle the island twice, then
it's okay to land."

A man is sitting in a plane which is about to takeoff, when another man with
a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog is sat in the middle,
and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man
explains that they work for the airline.

The airline rep said "Don't mind Rover, he is a sniffer dog, the best there is,
I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man,
"Watch this." He tells the dog, "Rover, search." The dog jumps down, walks
along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns
to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says "Good boy." He
turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana,
so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will
apprehend her upon arrival." "Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits
down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both
paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying
cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the seat number." "I like it!"
says the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. Rover goes up and down
the plane aisle, and after a while sits down next to someone, and then
comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and craps all over the place.
The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks "What the heck is
going on?" The handler nervously replies "He just found a bomb!"

The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant,
who was just as obviously enjoying himself.

He came swishing down the aisle and said to the man and the woman
seated beside him, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be
landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put
up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that the woman hadn't moved a
muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked
you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess.
I take orders from no one!"

"Well, sweet cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen so I outrank you. Put
up the tray, bitch!"

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane
mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were
stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had
something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet
fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of
glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels, in
fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then The
phone rings...

It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought
to do this more often."

"Yeah, well there's just one thing..."

"What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No..."

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!

Aerial Photos?

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a
great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly
him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure
enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his
equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat
swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying
erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make
several low-level passes." "Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because I'm
going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and
photographers take pictures."

The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"